Essays Essays Essays

I'm applying to grad school and spent awhile today trying to write one of those "why I want to go to grad school" essays.

No, I did not come up with a good, coherent answer.

But I came up with a lot of things, and they make sense in my head which is pretty miraculous.

And they make me excited. About life and the future and all that.

It's not having a goal really...it's more almost being able to form this picture of my life in the future...it's a nice picture.

If only I could write a complete sentence about it...

hey boat,

well- i sure as hell ain't cohesive. i call myself many things, half of them unplesant, right now i believe that "lunatic" is the only one that fits. and by lunatic i am not making some obscure reference to the moon and time. i'm a crazy ball of light and fire. i am feeling a thousand things at once, and i feel so dangerously on the verge. theres a cliff and i believe my toes are hanging over the edge. if i was bipolar i sure as hell would be considered manic now. ive been so mistreated, it almost causes me to laugh. i'm so ridiculously used to being on my own and picking myself up. i'm a survior, among a thousand other things. i use words against me and my own thoughts try to break me. i'm surrounded by conflict, even when i'm starring in the mirror. oh boat, once again i want things i can't have. and once again, it's more complicated than that. there are things i want that i can't have, that i really want. there are also things i want that i should not have that i don't really want, but i'm greedy, so i'll just want. and then there are things that i think might be good (but would probably be bad) so i want. and there are even more things that i want just for the sake of wanting, because wanting is something i know so very well. i have a thousand words and full of want. oh the cusp, danger danger will robinson. you think i'd learn my lesson by now, however then what would i do for the next 60 years? wheel o fortune, misshappen size. such a sad sad demise. oh mother boat, my eyes are tired and i can't stop smiling and i'm sure in a few hours ill be filled with nothing but tears. lies lies lies. i suppose this is what it's like to be young and free. i wish you could hold my hand, and say my name but i suppose i'll just have to close my eyes and go to bed- and hope to dream. xoxo t

Dear Boat=Dear Diary...only better.

Dear Boat,

I like the idea of writing to you. And I would like to tell you that the week is over (more or less) and I am sitting on my living room floor and I don't have a million things that have to be done right this second. So I can write to you, and that is nice. I hope that my body will now begin to de-zombify itself, because that's the scariest thing when the world goes crazy and it's harder to keep up. But now it's time for a break. Sort of. I think I shall start it off by going to bed disgustingly early.

Goodnight Boat.

oh boat,

there are times when i love, and times when i hate. right now my heart is so full with love. the kind of love that comes from unplucked flowers and the perfect amount of dew. right now i am home and i am happy. it's such a state of mind where everything feels like love and my gestures just make more sense. dear boat i am happy, for today, for this moment. i am happy. i have a sense of warmth even in this cold air conditioned room. boat, i am loved by my family of friends and respected by those around me. boat, i'm strong- even if i don't like to show it. me oh my, dear dear boat i want you to have this moment. to exist, and to know that you'll be alright, just with your own sense of direction, it'll be enough and you'll be able to wake up tomorrow morning, wait for the cable guy, and then go to the market and you're on your way to tomorrow. it makes me happy for i am happy. god good boat, something tells me i might survive this whole mess. time like these. see you around boat.

love, t

Hey Boat,

Will you tell me a bedtime story? Where none of us are sick and everything has a purpose and a place? Will you let me believe in something that doesn't exist just so I don't have to feel so damned hateful and alone? Will you let me see some of the beauty, tonight? I've got blinders on and my head is running in one thousand different circles. I am so tired of hating parts of myself. Boat will you give me a hug without making me ask for one? Will you tell me I'm pretty and nice of your own accord rather than my pleading? Self confidence is a slippery slope and I've got loads one second and a few grains the next. I just want you to promise that you'll never leave me, even though I don't believe in promises of that nature. Oh Boat, it's been a long day and I want to sleep but I've got too many tears standing in the way.

Love, Tiina

Shanty Town.

My Dear Sweet Misguided Boat,

My Ever Present Future,

My Ideal,

My Home,

Long abused and neglected. Ivy covering your half-paint, half-rust facades- love abbandoned in the window boxes. Everything is alone, no helpful hands to guide or misuse. You're free, you're wild, you're young and you're alone. It is a very powerful time. Trust me. You're a place in my mind, you're the boat in the Newtown Creek and you're safe in my heart. A ghost ship. My ghost ship. You're an extentsion of my soul and you're forever alive in me. Just because I don't wave that often doesn't mean that I don't say "Hello" with every breath I take. I love you. More than ever. Things are always more beautiful when they've got a little bit of dirt in their nooks and crannies. You've aged my friend, you're growing- and it's good to grow. I love you, unconditionally.

Mom.

my answer.

the art boat is home. the art boat is a safe place, the art boat is somewhere that i can be tucked in at night, and someone will make me french toast in the morning. the art boat is the place in my mind where i know that i am loved even though i can't see it, and i know that i am supported even though i can't feel it. the art boat is magic, the art boat is god. my friends are the art boat, and my friends are my family. the art boat keeps me floating even if were traveling aimlessly, i honestly don't need much more, the concept of the art boat exists and that's enough to keep me fighting.

i want the art boat to be my home until one day i feel safe enough to share myself, and it, with the world. i don't think that day is today. i just want to go home.

so

what do we do now?